Theory of Mind
Those around us do not know what we’re thinking unless we tell them.
Assuming otherwise happens to the best of us.
“Couldn’t they just tell what I wanted from my tone of voice? From my body language? From my facial expression? I’m feeling angry that they didn’t understand how I felt. I’m annoyed that I have to explain myself. I feel frustrated that I’m not getting what I want”
Not only do some people have a difficult time communicating their wants and needs, but some people demonstrate difficulties recognizing that others have unique thoughts that are different from their own (Theory of Mind). This can adversely impact relationships of all kinds; working towards understanding Theory of Mind can significantly help us get our needs and wants met without the above listed feelings.
Using Subtle Visuals
It is common thought that visuals are only used for children.I personally use visuals all the time and I am not a child nor do I have children.
Think of all the times you use or rely on visuals throughout your day. For example, leaving a post-it note with a reminder, signs posted within an office that direct newcomers, or a symbol that tells you where to grab a taxi. For those on the autism spectrum, you’ve likely seen a million different visual schedules.
In order to get our needs and wants met without feeling as though we’re nagging, constantly reminding, or feeling misunderstood or inadequate, visuals can be incredibly helpful.
But how?
Well, let’s say that your partner can appear blind to your subtle cues and that you’re tired of asking for what you want. We all know that it doesn’t feel great to repeatedly ask for something that you’re not getting enough of or that you feel is completely lacking. This is a great time to incorporate a visual and they don’t have to be ‘obvious’.
Ways in which visuals can be used with your partner(s).
Decide on a visual that depicts physical touch. For example, small circle stickers (or whatever you want to use). These stickers can be placed in a few spots to provide a visual reminder to your partner that touch is important to you and that it feels good to be touched by your partner. The touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature and it allows your partner to take initiative instead of you having to ask for it.
Decide on a visual that depicts a compliment. For example, the use of a particular mug, necklace, hat, whatever. When one of the members of the relationship is feeling a lack of attraction from their partner, they can place the object in a mutual space. This will act as a visual reminder to the member(s) of the relationship that a compliment or verbal praise would be greatly appreciated.
**Please note that the use of visuals must include the option to decline physical touch/sexual intimacy, etc.
**This is just one strategy and definitely does not take away from the importance of using our words to get our needs and wants met.
The “Communication Station Check in”
Set time aside every week (or longer, if you fancy) to “check in” with your partner(s). It doesn’t need to be long, but it does need to be scheduled.
Why?
Consider this an opportunity to openly discuss what you may feel is lacking in your relationship. It provides space to bring up potentially tough topics without worrying about how to when to do this.
By scheduling these chats, it allows us time to reflect on the previous week(s).
It keeps us accountable to our actions and to the relationship
It doesn’t catch us at an inopportune time to discuss these topics
It can ultimately lead to all participants getting their needs and wants met.
This is especially important for those individuals who have difficulties with communicating their wants and needs at baseline.